Opposite actions to change strong emotions

Emotions permeate every aspect of our lives. They elevate us during triumphant gains, and plummet us during devastating losses. They are such an universal part of the human experience that psychologist Paul Eckman has identified the same basic emotions across individuals irrespective of language or culture in 1970s. The list include: happiness, sadness, disgust, fear, surprise, and anger. Later, Dr. Eckman expanded the original list to include more nuanced emotions such as pride, shame, embarrassment, and excitement.

Pexels

Each emotion has a purpose, and along with that purpose, prompts for specific actions (e.g., connecting with others when we experience trust). When it comes to negative emotions however, we are often primed to engage in behaviors that do not serve us in the long term in the attempt to alleviate the pain in the short term. For example:

Fear → Escape, or avoid
Anger → Attack
Sadness → Withdraw, isolate, or become passive
Shame → Hide, avoid, withdraw, or save face by attacking someone else
Guilt → Overpromise, overcompensate, hide, or beg for forgiveness
Jealousy → Verbally accuse, attempt to control, or react with suspicion

Freepik

Although the urge to escape or avoid makes sense when we are confronted with real danger (e.g., a mugger in a dark alley), it does not serve us in objectively safe situations (e.g., giving a presentation at work). While public speaking is certainly scary — so much so that majority of Americans rate it as one of the most common fears — avoiding meetings at work only functions to increase anxiety and decrease opportunities for career advancement.

In scenarios when our emotions do not fit with the objective facts of the situation, we want to practice opposite actions to change our emotions. For example:

Fear → Approach (move toward events, places, tasks, activities, people you are afraid of, over and over)
Anger → Avoid (gently take a step back from the person or the situation, take a breath, be kind, consider the situation from the other person’s perspective)
Sadness → Engage (participate in pleasant activities, surround yourself with others, move your body)
Shame → Expose (apologize and repair the harm, forgive yourself and let go, shine light on what happened without hiding)
Guilt → Accept (acknowledge and experience the feeling, ask for forgiveness, accept consequences, repair transgression)
Jealousy → Relinquish (let go of control of someone else’s actions)

Engaging in opposite actions in 7 steps:

Unsplash

1. Discern what you are feeling

2. Identify the action urge connected to your emotion

3. Ask yourself: does my emotion fit the facts in the situation? If yes, will acting on the emotion’s urge be effective?

4. Ask yourself: Do I want to change the emotion?

5. If yes, figure out the opposite action

6. Participate fully in the opposite action

7. Repeat the opposite action until the emotion changes enough for you to notice